New Years

As it's New Year's Eve, I figured I'd take advantage of having a blog. For once, I'm going to write down my resolutions, so I can look back at them and see if I've managed.

1: Swear less, and use the Lord's name in vain much less.
2: Take better care of myself - eat better, lose weight, exercise more, etc. I don't want to see that as a resolution ever again.

I'm gonna jump on a bandwagon with a 40-question thing stolen from LJ. Thought it was interesting...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I went to college. I lived with 9 other girls and used an ATM and got a debit card. I got lost. I drove an hour away and danced with strange people.

2. Ddi you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I think I did? I don't really remember, so I've got two more for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My baby. My cat Nosie. He was about 14, and I'm still trying to get used to living without him.

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

A boyfriend who lives nearby. A new Creative might be nice, one with a bigger screen.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

September 1 I went to college. In February my cat died, and I will never forget him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating high school and going to the college of my dreams. Becoming comfortable with myself and my body (as they are) for the first time in my memory.

9. What was your biggest failure?

*considers* Maybe gaining 10 pounds at school...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing huge, yay! Just my annual illness, but that's it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A Bartlett's, yay!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My Will really helped me out in the spring, as I was really upset and uncomfortable with myself. Greg also made me pretty happy by telling a friend of mine that he thinks of me as a sister. Dan, for finally getting over me and figuring out how to finally become happy again.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

24-year-old creep at work, who knew I'm 18 and still tried to make out with me. Chicken, for telling my Will that she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she was on meds.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books, school, food, gifts.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Going to college and seeing Phantom. Sweeney Todd and Golden Compass movies, which were amazing! Spring Awakening!!!!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?

Spring Awakening. Anything, especially the angry/sad songs.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a)Happier or sadder? Happier, for the first time in years!!!
b) Skinner or fatter? Fatter, but that'll change soon.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer! Yay for jobs, even the ones that SUCK!!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Going out with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing over grades and vet school.

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Yes, I did. I love you, Donald!

21. How many one-night stands?

Yeah, right.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Heroes, House, Monk, Psych, American Princess, Will & Grace.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I like some people more that I hated last year. Go me!

24. What was the best book you read?

Everything but Malcolm X.

25. What was you greatest musical discovery?

Spring Awakening and New Squids on the Dock. Also, Keith's radio show! Yay internet!!!

26. What did you want and get?

A fantastic roommate and amazing college friends!!!

27. What did you want and not get?

Nothing really. I'd have liked more music/books, but I can always use more of them.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Sweeney Todd and Golden Compass. National Treasure 2 was also fantastic. Can't wait to see Atonement and August Rush. Also looking forward to Water Horse.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 18, and I had family and my boyfriend over. It was great, even if it wasn't anything special.

30. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Straight A's and losing weight?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Jeans, T-shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts. It changed drastically from senior year to freshman year. In a good way

32. What kept you sane?

Angry music, choir, amazing friends, Footle's hugs, David's hugs, Sam, C3PO, and chocolate. And Donald, of course, and my bigsis. And my Will.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Daniel Radcliffe. He's still hot, haha. And the usual Johnny Depp (incredibly hot Sweeney) and Hugh Jackman.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Animal rights. Universal healthcare. Global warming.

35. Who did you miss?

My family. My boyfriends, at different times. My friends. My babies.

36. Who were the best new people you met?

My suite, especially Alix and Caitlin, C3PO, ROSIE!!!, Sam, Lavinia, Ben, Zach, Laura Lane.
37. What do you look forward to in 2008?

Going to Spain with the choir (SQUEE!!!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007?

It will turn out for the best. Love yourself, no matter what. You can't rely on others to love you.

39. What song lyrics best sum up 2007 for you?

"There's a moment you know...you're f*cked!" "Don't do sadness" "You're f*cked if you just freeze up! Can't do that thing, that keeping still. You're f*cked if you speak your mind, and you know, uh-huh, you will!" "Because we all deserve to die!" "My cage has many rooms, damask and dark. Nothing there sings, not even my lark...If I cannot fly, let me sing!"

Equality

Wow. Haven't posted in a while. Anyway, I was thinking on my way home from Wildwood today, and I want to put it out there, at the risk of sounding like a horrible person. We keep hearing so much about "equality". How blacks/women/minorities don't have it yet. We've got Title IX, affirmative action, every plan under the sun to relieve the problem. But we still haven't fixed it. Maybe that's because, instead of treating everyone like they're equal, we treat certain people like they're victims. I think the solution to finding equality is to live it and think it and feel it. Stop feeling victimized, stop tabooing certain words or phrases, and just be equal. If equality becomes a non-issue, will it become a reality?

Let be

So, this week has been ueber-stressful...mentally, at least. I found myself falling for someone out of the blue, then having to deny myself him. Damn.

In all the stress and chaos and ridiculousness, I've taken a few minutes twice to have a quiet time and resolved to do that way more often. Sometimes, it's amazing to just take a few minutes to listen. Not to talk, but to listen. I use quiet times to spend time with God, quiet and listening. Open to whatever He has to say. When I go into a quiet time with a full mind and heart, with so many thoughts clamoring to be heard and thought, it may take a while to quiet myself enough to get into it, but once I do...the world disappears. Sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for half an hour. When I get pulled out of it, it's by a random background noise that had previously disappeared. Coming out of a quiet time, my mind is so much more at peace, and I find it much easier to concentrate on work.

"If it be now, 'tis not to come;
If it be not now, yet it will come; the readiness is all.
Since no man knows aught of what he leaves,
What is't to leave betimes?
Let be." (Hamlet, V.ii.)

Home

The first week or so I was at school, I started to hear about IVCF (Intervarsity Christian Fellowhip). As someone who'd been craving a good youth group and a deeper connection to my religion and my God, I was really interested. I missed the first Large Group meeting and the retreat for a few reasons. I also missed a few weeks of small group, because I didn't know where to go. When I finally got together with my friends and went to small group, I enjoyed it immensely. It was the first time in years I've felt able to truly delve into a text from the Bible, at least with other people. The first time in years I've been able to delve deep into the Word with people my age. It was great. I also was able to make it to Large Group on Friday, and as I worshipped with other first years and students, I realized...I'm home. I've found a place where I can belong and be welcomed.

That's how I've felt about this whole school. Granted, some parts of it aren't perfect. No school is. But in spite of the shortcomings and potential improvements...I belong here. I'm at home and at peace here. I feel like I'm finally somewhere with true peers, somewhere I'm not judged. And it feels good. "Let peace flow like a river..." It is.

Moderation

Everything in moderation, they say. I agree.

It's ten after midnight, and I'm sitting in the suite. I've already cleaned my room thoroughly, and I'm about to continue a paper due Monday. I'm babysitting one of my suitemates. She was so trashed, she couldn't even sit up. She's been sleeping since about 9:30. The people who brought her up weren't even with her when she was drinking/smoking up. One of them has known her for years and wants to have a heart-to-heart with her tomorrow morning. The RA from the first floor promised to keep checking in...on a Friday night.

So...where am I going with this? If you're mature enough to drink, please be mature enough to stop in time to be able to take care of yourself. Drink/smoke/party with real friends. Friends are the ones who will be willing and able to take care of you at the end of the night, even if they weren't with you at the beginning.

Everything in moderation.

People

So, events of the past week or so have caused me to start thinking a bit about people and how they interact, specifically with me. Now, I will admit that I'm crazy, and kind of an acquired taste. But when people don't even give me a chance...

Let me preface this by explaining a bit about me. I prefer honesty, at all costs. I've had way too many people hint at things and assume I'll get it. I do, but...closure is always an amazing thing. And you don't get closure from hints. Hints lead to self-doubt.

There's a guy I've been spending a lot of time with, talking and such. I actually met him through his roommate, so it would seem that I'd be closer with his roommate, right? Not really. I've tried to spend time with his roommate or talk to him, but every time, I get this feeling like he can't stand me. He even compared me to a pedophile. Now, we're all adults here. If you don't like me, say it! You don't need to be a jerk about it. I know that might seem like a really awkward conversation, and it is, but it's infinitely preferable to the awkward non-conversation. If you have a problem with me, air it. Just put it out there. I won't hold it against you. No one should.

Now that I've finished ranting, I should probably explain myself a little bit. I was just reading basstheorychaos's post about getting to know people, and it reminded me a lot of situations that have been bugging me lately, including the above. I can't and won't say I've never done the same, but when you make judgments about whether or not you'll be able to stand spending time with someone based on...a few minutes of conversation, you can lock yourself out of a lot of really rewarding moments. For instance, if I'd done as he had and decided the roommate wasn't worth my time...I'd have lost a chance at a great friendship. Is that really right?

College life...

So, it's been just over a week since move-in day, and I'm loving it. My roommate's a sweetheart, and most of my suitemates are amazing...with one exception. This exception makes me so grateful for the foundation I have in my faith and in my raising. She's been high every day since we got here, and she might already have an STD. She's eaten almost everyone's food, often without asking. When she's sober, she's sweet...but she's never sober. It just makes me think about people and their effect on others. She seems happy enough with how she's living, but she has no thought of how it affects us, and it's a strange thing to see. Personally, I'm not happy if my friends aren't, and I hate thinking I've caused anyone to be uncomfortable or unhappy. Meeting such a different personality at such close quarters is...almost unsettling, without being really uncomfortable.

Musings

Wow...It's been roughly two months (happy, Carlo? ;b). A lot can happen in that time span, apparently, both good and bad. Bad first...

I'm sick of working at Home Depot. They used to have at least two people outside at all times. Now, it's usually one (me) alone -all day-. It's a long day. Hard, too. It's hot and sunny, and people are mean. And, it's crazy busy. So, I get two or three calls. At once. While I'm trying to clean up the lot. Blegh.

Now...good.

I'm going to stop working at Home Depot on the 19th (which is in nine days...three of which I'm free). I'll have time to go shopping for glasses, buy more dorm stuff, get a checking account, get vaccines, pack, get a computer, etc. I'm pretty much the only one who's saying "we still have blah blah to do and NO TIME." My mom's still in the "you have 21 days" mode, which will turn into "you've got a weekend." Love her, but she drives me crazy.

I've finally reached a good point with myself. Earlier this summer, when I'd just gotten out of a relationship, I realized that I depended too much on men to...feel good about me. I figured, if they loved me, why should I have to. Once I was single again, though, I realized how miserable it made me. So I decided I was sick of it. It was going to change. End of story. And it has. I can believe now that I deserve to be pretty and comfortable and happy. And I am. I'm pretty damn comfortable with myself (body, mind, and spirit). I'm happier (in general) than I can ever remember being in a VERY long time, and it feels great. I can't believe I ever settled for less, and I'm determined not to go back. I love me, and I'm comfortable with me. I'm not perfect. SO WHAT!!! *grins*

Work

I had my first full (eight-hour) day as a "lot loader" at Home Depot. Laugh all you want, but it'll really teach me the value of hard work. It's a long, hard day. I walk back and forth in the sun all day, dragging heavy carts and helping people load really heavy things in their cars. I get to be in the sun, and it's almost relaxing, walking alone. Apparently I'm the first girl -ever- to be a lot loader. I've become practically famous already >_<.
I really don't envy people who make this their life's work. It's a hard life, and it doesn't pay a lot. I mean, it pays pretty well starting, but to make this your career...it's hard. My muscles started to hurt around 10 or 11, and they reached the limits of exhaustion by noon. Then, they went beyond hurting. They actually stopped hurting. Like I said, it's a hard life, but the people I work with are all really nice and pretty friendly. It'll do for a summer job, but it'd suck as a career.

Life goes on...

"Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you" - RENT ("Without You")

The world will keep going without each and every one of us. It has kept going without each person we've lost. Life goes on, but...remember them. Remember where you came from. Remember who came before you. Like it or not, they define where you are now, and, to an extent, where you go. You will eventually become your mother or father (I've already started). Don't forget who put you on this earth. They won't forget you.

Defy Gravity

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner die defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!" - Defying Gravity from Wicked

I was working on the porch some more and listening to music. I kept putting in random CDs, and this came on...This song is my new motto. I'm tired of listening to my mom and my parents and peers and...myself telling me what I can't do. I know what's right and wrong. Beyond that, it's my life. I should be able to live it on my own terms.
So, as a new high school graduate to others (and soon-to-be graduates), I say this...Live your life on your terms. Be a good person, but live your life like it's yours. Know your personal (physical, moral) limits, but don't be afraid to stretch them once in a while (safely, of course). Plan to have no regrets.

Life...

I've basically had the house to myself for the past few days. My mom and little borther are in Wisconsin, visiting family, and I don't have to work until tomorrow. My dad works, and my other brother...leaves me alone. He's been in and out.
We've been working on the porch, helping my dad. I'm really proud of it. So far, it looks really good. Almost professional, I think. Granted, the spacing isn't exact, but the wood is warped a bit and whatnot. Given what we have, I'm proud of it. I've poured a lot of sweat into this porch, and I got burned a bit. It's worth it, though. It does make me wonder, though, at the people and families who don't do this. The people who hire workers to mow their lawns and put up their Christmas lights. How can you be -that- busy that you can't care for your own house? My dad puts in crazy hard hours. He leaves the house around 6:30 and gets home at 7. That's more than a 12-hour day. He still finds time to mow the lawn, work on the porch, walk the dogs, or put up decorations. Think about that the next time you get home from your 9-to-5 and are "too busy" or "too tired" to do anything.

Starting Over

So...I've decided that this summer is going to be about -me-. It's going to be about me working on me. When I go away in September, I want to leave as a new person, as someone I can be proud to be, someone my parents and grandparents can be proud of. It's time for a change. Time to turn over a new leaf, if you will. ;)