Hard Work

You know those times when it seems like you have no time to breathe. You've been studying for a test for six hours, you've been spending four hours a night working on a project...and everything you've done is useless...you have six papers to write in two weeks. You know those times? Sometimes, the hard work and stress pays off.
That test I studied six hours for? Highest grade on the lab practical, between an A- and B+ overall.
The slides I spent hours staining? The last two slides turned out to be brain, which means I CAN USE THEM!
The papers I have to write? I can do it.

Sometimes, it just takes ton of stress to teach you what you're capable of. So, don't give up. Learn what it takes to get what you want. If that's truly what you want, never give up.

10 Years

Ten years ago this morning, my grandpa died. He was 92. A lot has changed in ten years. I was a much different person when he was alive. I was still in 4th grade. I hadn't solidified my plans for my life; now, I'm halfway to applying for vet school. I hadn't been to Italy yet, which was a huge turning point in my travels. I hadn't taken any German yet, and now I want to become fluent. I hadn't started dating yet.
I didn't have a reason for my tattoo yet.

Interesting how life can change in ten years. One thing hasn't changed, though. I still wish he were still here. I still miss him. And I wonder if he'd be proud of me now. I really hope so.

Music

So, I'm stealing a quote from Dan over at Wandering with Purpose. Check his blog out. It's usually full of really awesome thoughtful things. Here's the quote:

When it comes to making music, I'm not going to complain about lengthy rehearsals or numerous musical commitments. That doesn't make sense to me. I chose this line of work the day I chose to pick up the double bass and every day after when I chose to continue playing. When you're doing what you love, it really is as simple as that.

It's really true. Music is the one thing I will never complain about. Even when my life is vomiting all over my schedule, I never complain about the music.

Even the days when everything's looming on the horizon, and I'm sure my life is about to explode, and I'm crying right before rehearsal...I get to rehearsal determined to stay in a bad mood and be unproductive...and I leave with a smile on my face. Not a grin, but a definite smile.

When it feels like everything's crashing down around me, I put on some music and cry and scream and, before I know it, I feel better. Sometimes it only takes a song or two. Sometimes it takes half a playlist. But pretty soon, I feel like I can handle my life. Amazing, isn't it?

So, have a good music. It may not start happy or work right away, but you'll feel better. Even singing along to something ridiculous on the radio or humming some random tune you're making up as you go. It helps.

Confidence

I've been noticing a really weird trend with myself. Something will happen, and I'll feel very strongly about it. Then, I'll say or do something and immediately feel like I've overreacted, especially if someone says no to my idea. Then I'll feel ridiculously embarrassed by the whole situation and want to forget it completely. What is with that? Am I really so unsure of myself that I immediately dismiss all of my convictions as overreacting? Well, I refuse to be embarrassed this time. I am ending the cycle!

Maturity

Last night I discovered that the rest of the year will be a test of endurance and maturity, thanks to my roommate. Long story really short, she treated a friend in a way I considered unacceptable over the weekend. I didn't say anything until Wednesday night, when it finally ate at me too much to hold it back. It was bad timing, yes, but I had to say it. I essentially told her that, regardless of where you're raised (America or abroad), the rules for friends should be the same. It's friends first, until they become shitty friends. She wasn't a shitty friend, but by saying she couldn't be friends with our friend as long as she was with her boyfriend was a shitty thing to do. She LOVED that.
We fought yesterday morning and evening. In the evening, I tried to say that maybe what would make rooming work is to focus on solely being roommates, rather than roommates and friends, because the friendship was getting to be too stressful. She's decided that my friend and I are not her friends anymore three times over three weekends this term. And more last term. I can't do that anymore. It is too much. So, she decided I was calling her a bad roommate. I started crying, trying to explain what I was trying to say and how I was feeling, and she stormed out (crying in front of her isn't acceptable, apparently, because she used to use it as a tool to get what she wanted from her parents. I have no tricks like that. I cry when I'm extremely hurt, which I was.).
Last night, when I finally got home, she started making snide comments about everything, with me responding in the same way. But I'm done with that. No more snideness and rudeness. I will be the bigger person. I will smother her with friendliness and politeness. She wants to play this game? Let's see her get a rise or an argument out of me. I have a 12-year-old brother. I can play this game for a LONG time. Bring it on.

Friends

Last night was pretty horrid. Not only was I trying to help my roommate through a rough time, I was having a rough night. A good friend brought up my ex, which wasn't bad in and of itself. I just got to thinking and the hurt came back. Later in the night, I started talking to a different ex and very good friend. Often, we fight over everything and can't stand each other. At times like last night, though, he was there for me and really -cared-. And that felt really good. I know that no matter what happens, some of my friends will understand what's going on completely and be there for me and care about me. He also helped me push through some of my deep-seated fears. He'll never bullshit me, and I love that. He'll give me a harsh, completely honest assessment of my life. I need it sometimes. Thanks, Donald.