Missing

The last couple days have been days full of missing.

At work last night, we were talking about family (it's really boring on Friday nights). The girl I work with was talking about how her cousin wanted her grandfather to go with her to buy her wedding dress, because she wanted him to tell her if it was too risque. Sweet. We laughed about how uncomfortable older men are in stores. I remember how, when my Grandma and I went shopping, my Grandpa would sit in those chairs by the escalator with his arms crossed. Sometimes he'd fall asleep. *smiles wistfully* I haven't talked about him in a long time, and that makes me sad. I haven't gotten many chances to talk about all the memories I have with him and of him. I've talked about how I miss him, and how I miss Oma and Mr. Rodgers, but not memories. I don't want to lose those memories. I don't want them to hide themselves away in the back of my mind, because that's not right to the people I love. The memories I have of them are all I have left. I want to share them.

I also realized again that...I won't be able to drag my Grandpa shopping for a wedding dress or for a prom dress. I won't be able to see his face when I graduate from college and go to vet school. I won't be able to look down the aisle and see his face among the family and friends at my wedding. I won't get those chances and those moments with him, and I regret that. I know there's nothing I can do to change it, but I still regret it. I love him. A lot. And I miss him. A lot. That's never going to change, will it?

Another missing moment from last night happened while a few friends and I went into town to play pool. As we were playing, I had this flashback. No idea what caused it. I remembered how my first boyfriend always tried to get me to play pool. Now, I've never been good. I've never been tolerable, and I didn't want to play with him, because I was just that bad. Now, I don't care. I've gotten even worse, if possible, and I really don't care. It's fun. Anyway, as we were playing, I remembered...and realized that I still miss all the things I missed about him when we were together. When he wasn't around, I missed all the little things that made me smile. And I still miss them. And I'm not sure why. Maybe it's true that your first love never truly goes away. Maybe I miss feeling like I truly -knew- something and felt truly comfortable and at home with it. I'm at home here at school, but it's still different than...home. Both are home, it's true, but this is a newer feeling of home. It's still a little bit strange. But, when you date the same guy for 2 1/2 years, you really become comfortable with him and with yourself with him. It becomes a safe place. It's still strange not to be able to fall back on "Well, I have a boyfriend" as part of my identity, and as part of the world I know. A year later, I still feel just a little off-kilter. It's strange, and it worries me just a little bit.