2008

It's not New Year's yet, but it's close...Time to look back.

Resolutions: Did I keep 'em?
1: Swear less, and use the Lord's name in vain much less. I forgot about this one...and I haven't...
2: Take better care of myself - eat better, lose weight, exercise more, etc. I don't want to see that as a resolution ever again.Yes! I have finally proven to myself that I can do this! Hell yeah! This is probably THE most difficult thing I've managed. I lost 20 pounds in 6 months, and it's awesome. I feel so good. I can do this thing.

I'm gonna jump on a bandwagon with a 40-question thing stolen from LJ. Thought it was interesting...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

I've started to really claim my independence. I enjoy it.

2. Ddi you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kept one, really well. The other...not in the slightest.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep. I have a new nephew, who is adorable.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully. Hopefully I'll have a few years before then...

5. What countries did you visit?

Spain. It was an incredible experience.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

I could still use that new Creative, funnily enough. Other than that, a boyfriend would be nice, but all hope is not lost.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

November 4, Barack Obama was elected President. We did it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally gaining control of my life in an amazing way. I feel so empowered. It's wonderful.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not working up the nerve to go for it. Maybe this time...I'll get lucky..;)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I got pretty sick right before finals. Love being sick >_<>

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A bunch of things, actually. Snow boots, winter coat, dress boots, lots...

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Will is always there for me when I need him. It's wonderful. JJ, too. Edd's been a huge help, and he's brought up his grades, so he's coming back to Knox! Pretty much all of my guys have been amazing. So have my sisters. I miss them like crazy!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

26-year-old over the summer. Bad news bears...Jenny: Enough. Just enough. Roommate at times has driven me CRAZY. People in general. Be polite and considerate in retail stores and restaurants. Please.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books, school, food, gifts.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Going back to school, seeing Jersey Boys and Madama Butterfly, Spain, choir stuff in general.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?

Artists more than songs: Michael Buble and Jason Mraz. And Eric Whitacre. And Canticum.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a)Happier or sadder? Happier, if more stressed.
b) Skinner or fatter? Thinner. Yay!
c) Richer or poorer? Richer! Still yay for jobs, even if it's the same one you hate.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Going out with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Having money stolen.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Nope, for the first time in a while.

21. How many one-night stands?

As if!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Heroes, House, Monk, Psych, Law & Order, Will & Grace.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I like some people more that I hated last year. Go me!

24. What was the best book you read?

Children of God, anything Jane Austen.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Michael Buble and new Jason Mraz.

26. What did you want and get?

A fantastic roommate and amazing friends!!! Hope.

27. What did you want and not get?

Nothing really. I'd have liked more music/books, but I can always use more of them.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Atonement, Sweeney Todd, 27 Dresses, Dark Knight. Good year for movies.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 19, and I did no homework, went to bed early, and went to class for my birthday.

30. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Straight A's, but I'm really close.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Skirts. Heels.

32. What kept you sane?

Choir, Edd, JJ, the rest of my guys.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Daniel Radcliffe. He's still hot, haha. And the usual Johnny Depp (incredibly hot Sweeney) and Hugh Jackman. Never changes, really, although I'll add Dermot Mulroney. Yummm...

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Global warming, the economy, universal healthcare, gay rights.

35. Who did you miss?

My family, babies, friends.

36. Who were the best new people you met?

Nani! And Kathy, and all the amazing first-years!

37. What do you look forward to in 2009?

Another incredible choir tour with unbelievable music.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?

Be comfortable with yourself. Only then will things really work out for you.

39. What song lyrics best sum up 2007 for you?

"Spent way too much time checking my tongue in the mirror, bending over backwards to try to see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and laughed." "Save the last dance for me." "Open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans, and damn you're free. It's our god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved." All of "To Where You Are".

Last night...

...history was made. Obama is our president-elect. Wow. A good half of my campus swarmed across campus, then through town, screaming and cheering the entire way. We congregated in the center of town and sang the national anthem. Once we got back to campus, an impromptu jazz concert was underway, and even more dancing and screaming and cheering and chanting and crying ensued. It was magical and amazing. I didn't cry last night, but I've gotten a bit teary remembering last night and the overwhelming energy and joy that flooded our campus. Here's to change!

P.S: Really, California? Y'all had to pass Prop. 8?

Election Day

It's been quite a while, eh? Not too much has happened, but this...tomorrow's Election Day. Now, I'll say it in all caps because it's important. GO VOTE!!! DO IT!!! It's important, even if you just vote for a third party candidate, VOTE. So what if you hate McCain AND Obama. Vote Green Party or a third party or write someone in! Just VOTE! No matter what happens, this is a historical election. Be a part of it, so when you have grandkids, you can tell them that you voted for the first black president of the United States, or you voted against the first black presidential candidate. Or you voted for someone completely different. Don't just be a spectator. Be a part of making history. It could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance. If Obama wins, there will never be another first black president. If McCain wins, there will never be another first black presidential candidate. This is huge, and exciting. Get caught up in the fever, and vote.

...Another chance...?

Does it happen again? Do you...Can you fall in love again? He was the first guy I ever loved. I spent two and a half years with him. Nick says it's taken him two and a half years to get past his. I miss it, not him. But I could almost go back to him. He wants another chance. Another chance at what? Do I want to give him another chance? Can I give him another chance?

I know this post makes no sense. I'm sorry. It's been a long night. It's been almost a year since I talked to him. Almost a year and a half since we broke up, and I still haven't found anything like it. Can I move on, having him in my life? Does it make me weaker than I was a year ago? That I felt then that I could move on, and now I wonder if I could? Could I move on if I had him back in my life? Do I want him back in my life? That's the main question. No matter how many times you go back, it's still the same person, the same situation. No matter how many times you go back, it's not going to change. It just won't. I can't deal with that. Not yet. I'm not strong enough yet or over it enough yet. Not yet.

***Edit***
Forget all that. He is no longer a part of my life. We've both known it since before we broke up, but I'm finally saying it. He is in the past. I'm starting this year afresh. I'm tired of being a pessimist. So what if it's half-empty? The glass still has water in it! So, I'm ready again to just take every moment and every day as it comes. I'll do my best, and I WILL be happy. It's going to be a good year. I'm ready.

P.S.: I hereby swear to stop being frustrated if a guy doesn't immediately pan out. Patience is key. Besides, there's one who's kind of starting to look good. It's going to be an amazing year.

Captivate...

...(v) to influence or dominate by some special charm, art, or trait and with an irresistible appeal [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/captivation]

Last night, a good friend and I were talking about our respective boy troubles. Hers with a guy giving her mixed signals, mine with a guy trying to play me (Both VERY abridged versions of the stories). From this topic, we diverted to cute guys at Willowbrook, an incredibly common topic for us. Lot of fun. After I mentioned a few guys who had caught my eye, she said, "I wish I could find you a guy. I want to see you happy." That worried me, primarily because I have found completion and happiness within myself, not needing to rely on other people. I hope (and hoped) that I don't seem unhappy while being single.

Then she continued with something that really caught my mind: "I wonder who will captivate you." It was an intriguing word choice, because that's what you look for in someone you love: someone to captivate you, not just interest you or catch your eye. I realized that I wonder the same thing. I've been interested and in like and deeply in like, but it's been a long time since I was captivated. I've all but forgotten what it's like to go to sleep and wake up every morning looking forward to one moment (or many moments) with one person. Who will captivate me?

Forced Optimism

I used to feel like luck determined your life, essentially. Recently, optimism and the trust that God IS actually looking out for me seemed kind of far away. I felt like something big would have to go my way for me to see that, and that's a problem. When you get to a mindset where "things happen to other people," you get stuck there. When you start to believe that boyfriends or scholarships or jobs or whatever don't happen to you...they don't. In the same way that life is what you make of it, success is what you make of it, luck is what you make of it. I need to get back to a place where I can honestly trust and believe that God does have my back. I know He's there in the hard times, but I sometimes have trouble grasping that He's even there during the just frustrating times.

Unplanned, but Wonderful

Last night, a friend had a campfire in her backyard. By the time everyone came, there were four girls and one guy (my friend's...unofficial boyfriend?!?). We spent most of the night listening to music and just talking about random things, like how drunk certain people (not me) were the night before. After one girl left, we somehow got onto the topic of the elections. We talked a bit about parties, about specific candidates, that kind of thing. Eventually we started talking about issues. We discussed immigration, gun control, the environment, the economy, education, nearly everything. It was completely random, but really refreshing. I'd forgotten how good it is to have a nice, intellectual discussion. Some politicians discount us as a demographic, because, historically, we don't vote. This election is changing that, though. Our generation is becoming informed and politically conscientious. It's a wonderful thing to see, because, in all honesty, we're going to be running this country in 20 or 30 years, not our parents. Why shouldn't we care about shaping it up before we get there?

Discouraged

You know, I've tried so hard to always have hope. Always. Even when everything's going wrong, I've tried to be sure that there's some good hiding there. Lately, my grasp on hope has begun to slip. I've begun to view my future in terms of questions, rather than statements. It's become an "if" future, instead of a "when". I know it's bad and wrong and really not helpful, but...it's just started to seem like things happen to other people. Good things happen to other people. Not that bad things happen to me or something. The opposite actually. Things happen to other people, and they progress. I just...sit there. I don't change, I don't progress, I just stagnate. I hate stagnation. With a passion. Even if I'm moving backwards, at least I'm moving. It's just started to feel like everything I do is futile. If I look pretty, not like anyone's going to notice. If I apply for a job, not like anyone's going to hire me. If I do well, not like it will be recognized. I don't understand it. And I really don't like it. But I can't figure out a way to make it go away. 'Til I do, guess I'll just be stagnant and unemployed. Joy.

Childhood

I can't wait to have a daughter of my own. Any children, really, but especially a daughter. I want to be able to teach her all the things I wish I'd been taught. I was shocked this afternoon talking to one of my suitemates. Another suitemate was planning a paper, talking about puberty and about shaving legs. I mentioned how I'd been teased for a couple years because I didn't shave. My suitemate was surprised at my stories of being teased. She said she'd never really had any trouble when she was younger.
I want to be able to teach my daughter never to let anyone make her feel embarrassed about who she is. I don't want her to end up trying to learn all over again, like I am. I don't want her to be used to feeling embarrassed and expecting to be laughed at. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to start a Brigette Pity Party. I'm just thinking. Planning. I want my girl to be proud of who she is, because she will be beautiful. Our faults are what make us beautiful, not our perfections. The things that keep us from being perfect are where the beauty lies. I want her to understand that. Granted, there is a line between embracing your faults and always working on improving yourself, but neither thing should be paramount.

SASS Take It Back

These are pictures from a photo shoot for the Take It Back festival at Knox. The one to the right is my favorite and the one that was included in a slide show. There were a lot more. The photo shoot was about taking back your body. I'm so glad I did it. It's something I never would have done last year. One of my suitemates asked me why I posed the way I did: crunched up. "No one looks good like that." I told her it wasn't about making me look good. This photo shoot was about me saying "I'm comfortable with me. This is how I'm comfortable." And it was an amazing, liberating experience. I apologize to those of you who didn't want to see Brigette partially undressed.

Dance

I never used to dance before, when I was alone. I mean, I'd dance at parties and dances and in class and stuff, but I never used to really dance, just when I was alone in my room. I was always frustrated that I didn't know the technique. I still don't have any kind of formal training, but a couple days ago, I had music on while I was cleaning my room, and I started dancing. I didn't care about technique or anything else, I just danced. And I've discovered that my style of dancing is a weird hybrid of a bunch of things. It's got some belly dance and some ballet/lyrical, some social-type things, some grinding type, some swing. It's a lot like me, actually. I'm a blend of a lot of different things, and that comes out in the way I dance. Among other things, too, but especially the way I dance.

Missing

The last couple days have been days full of missing.

At work last night, we were talking about family (it's really boring on Friday nights). The girl I work with was talking about how her cousin wanted her grandfather to go with her to buy her wedding dress, because she wanted him to tell her if it was too risque. Sweet. We laughed about how uncomfortable older men are in stores. I remember how, when my Grandma and I went shopping, my Grandpa would sit in those chairs by the escalator with his arms crossed. Sometimes he'd fall asleep. *smiles wistfully* I haven't talked about him in a long time, and that makes me sad. I haven't gotten many chances to talk about all the memories I have with him and of him. I've talked about how I miss him, and how I miss Oma and Mr. Rodgers, but not memories. I don't want to lose those memories. I don't want them to hide themselves away in the back of my mind, because that's not right to the people I love. The memories I have of them are all I have left. I want to share them.

I also realized again that...I won't be able to drag my Grandpa shopping for a wedding dress or for a prom dress. I won't be able to see his face when I graduate from college and go to vet school. I won't be able to look down the aisle and see his face among the family and friends at my wedding. I won't get those chances and those moments with him, and I regret that. I know there's nothing I can do to change it, but I still regret it. I love him. A lot. And I miss him. A lot. That's never going to change, will it?

Another missing moment from last night happened while a few friends and I went into town to play pool. As we were playing, I had this flashback. No idea what caused it. I remembered how my first boyfriend always tried to get me to play pool. Now, I've never been good. I've never been tolerable, and I didn't want to play with him, because I was just that bad. Now, I don't care. I've gotten even worse, if possible, and I really don't care. It's fun. Anyway, as we were playing, I remembered...and realized that I still miss all the things I missed about him when we were together. When he wasn't around, I missed all the little things that made me smile. And I still miss them. And I'm not sure why. Maybe it's true that your first love never truly goes away. Maybe I miss feeling like I truly -knew- something and felt truly comfortable and at home with it. I'm at home here at school, but it's still different than...home. Both are home, it's true, but this is a newer feeling of home. It's still a little bit strange. But, when you date the same guy for 2 1/2 years, you really become comfortable with him and with yourself with him. It becomes a safe place. It's still strange not to be able to fall back on "Well, I have a boyfriend" as part of my identity, and as part of the world I know. A year later, I still feel just a little off-kilter. It's strange, and it worries me just a little bit.

Thinking...again...

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my Oma's death, and today is the 5th anniversary of a new close friend's mother's death, as well as his brother's birthday. Funny how dates work out, eh? These anniversaries are rough for all of us, but they change with time. I almost want to go home this weekend. I'm hoping to have a chance to drive out to visit my Grandpa's grave. It'll be the first time I've gone alone. Ever. I miss him, and I miss my Oma, and Mr. Rodgers, and my baby boy. But I know they're still with me, even though I can't see them or feel them, and I know I'll see them again some day. And in the face of eternity, life is but the shadow of a memory of a dream.

Thinking...

Monday was the eighth anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I realized a few days before and I realized again last night. I got so caught up in my life this past week, the date just slipped right past me. I still miss him so much. I thought about it a lot last night after the show. Cried a lot, too, but not in a bad way. I've gotten to a point where I know myself and I understand my emotions well enough that I can be sad, but not in a bad way. I can hurt, but it's...good, in a way. I'm just really thankful that I can feel the sadness and the longing to the depth that I do feel it. I can feel it and acknowledge it and know it...and then move on from it. I can linger in it and consider it and immerse myself in it. Then, I dry my eyes and go on with my night. And that's the way it should be, I think. Emotions should be felt to their depth and their breadth, but once you're finished feeling them, you need to be able to keep going. If you allow your sadness or anger interfere with your life, you'll never learn to be happy.

Winter Term

Let me just start this out by saying that people were right when they told me "Winter Term's INTENSE!" It is. We got to school, and classes started the next day, January 3rd. I'm assistant stage managing a show, so 3-4 hours of my night goes there. Sometimes I don't eat from lunch - 11 or 12. Last night I was shaking and my legs were weak by the time I ate. Joy. I have two science classes (which means two lectures and two labs), along with a music class (musicology, kind of...). Those three mean a lot of out-of-class preparation and group work...and checking on labs. ASMing takes a lot of time, too. Then, there's choir, which ALSO takes a lot of time. And AWAG, which takes my Saturdays, and eight hours of work-study/week. So much for free time. And I have to work in yoga/working out/relaxing/ballroom? Umm...EEK!

After that mini-freakout, I have to say, I can do this. I'll probably never do this kind of combination ever again, but...there's a first time for everything, right? I can make it through this. AND get good grades. Just watch. I can do this.