Equality

Wow. Haven't posted in a while. Anyway, I was thinking on my way home from Wildwood today, and I want to put it out there, at the risk of sounding like a horrible person. We keep hearing so much about "equality". How blacks/women/minorities don't have it yet. We've got Title IX, affirmative action, every plan under the sun to relieve the problem. But we still haven't fixed it. Maybe that's because, instead of treating everyone like they're equal, we treat certain people like they're victims. I think the solution to finding equality is to live it and think it and feel it. Stop feeling victimized, stop tabooing certain words or phrases, and just be equal. If equality becomes a non-issue, will it become a reality?

Let be

So, this week has been ueber-stressful...mentally, at least. I found myself falling for someone out of the blue, then having to deny myself him. Damn.

In all the stress and chaos and ridiculousness, I've taken a few minutes twice to have a quiet time and resolved to do that way more often. Sometimes, it's amazing to just take a few minutes to listen. Not to talk, but to listen. I use quiet times to spend time with God, quiet and listening. Open to whatever He has to say. When I go into a quiet time with a full mind and heart, with so many thoughts clamoring to be heard and thought, it may take a while to quiet myself enough to get into it, but once I do...the world disappears. Sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for half an hour. When I get pulled out of it, it's by a random background noise that had previously disappeared. Coming out of a quiet time, my mind is so much more at peace, and I find it much easier to concentrate on work.

"If it be now, 'tis not to come;
If it be not now, yet it will come; the readiness is all.
Since no man knows aught of what he leaves,
What is't to leave betimes?
Let be." (Hamlet, V.ii.)

Home

The first week or so I was at school, I started to hear about IVCF (Intervarsity Christian Fellowhip). As someone who'd been craving a good youth group and a deeper connection to my religion and my God, I was really interested. I missed the first Large Group meeting and the retreat for a few reasons. I also missed a few weeks of small group, because I didn't know where to go. When I finally got together with my friends and went to small group, I enjoyed it immensely. It was the first time in years I've felt able to truly delve into a text from the Bible, at least with other people. The first time in years I've been able to delve deep into the Word with people my age. It was great. I also was able to make it to Large Group on Friday, and as I worshipped with other first years and students, I realized...I'm home. I've found a place where I can belong and be welcomed.

That's how I've felt about this whole school. Granted, some parts of it aren't perfect. No school is. But in spite of the shortcomings and potential improvements...I belong here. I'm at home and at peace here. I feel like I'm finally somewhere with true peers, somewhere I'm not judged. And it feels good. "Let peace flow like a river..." It is.

Moderation

Everything in moderation, they say. I agree.

It's ten after midnight, and I'm sitting in the suite. I've already cleaned my room thoroughly, and I'm about to continue a paper due Monday. I'm babysitting one of my suitemates. She was so trashed, she couldn't even sit up. She's been sleeping since about 9:30. The people who brought her up weren't even with her when she was drinking/smoking up. One of them has known her for years and wants to have a heart-to-heart with her tomorrow morning. The RA from the first floor promised to keep checking in...on a Friday night.

So...where am I going with this? If you're mature enough to drink, please be mature enough to stop in time to be able to take care of yourself. Drink/smoke/party with real friends. Friends are the ones who will be willing and able to take care of you at the end of the night, even if they weren't with you at the beginning.

Everything in moderation.

People

So, events of the past week or so have caused me to start thinking a bit about people and how they interact, specifically with me. Now, I will admit that I'm crazy, and kind of an acquired taste. But when people don't even give me a chance...

Let me preface this by explaining a bit about me. I prefer honesty, at all costs. I've had way too many people hint at things and assume I'll get it. I do, but...closure is always an amazing thing. And you don't get closure from hints. Hints lead to self-doubt.

There's a guy I've been spending a lot of time with, talking and such. I actually met him through his roommate, so it would seem that I'd be closer with his roommate, right? Not really. I've tried to spend time with his roommate or talk to him, but every time, I get this feeling like he can't stand me. He even compared me to a pedophile. Now, we're all adults here. If you don't like me, say it! You don't need to be a jerk about it. I know that might seem like a really awkward conversation, and it is, but it's infinitely preferable to the awkward non-conversation. If you have a problem with me, air it. Just put it out there. I won't hold it against you. No one should.

Now that I've finished ranting, I should probably explain myself a little bit. I was just reading basstheorychaos's post about getting to know people, and it reminded me a lot of situations that have been bugging me lately, including the above. I can't and won't say I've never done the same, but when you make judgments about whether or not you'll be able to stand spending time with someone based on...a few minutes of conversation, you can lock yourself out of a lot of really rewarding moments. For instance, if I'd done as he had and decided the roommate wasn't worth my time...I'd have lost a chance at a great friendship. Is that really right?

College life...

So, it's been just over a week since move-in day, and I'm loving it. My roommate's a sweetheart, and most of my suitemates are amazing...with one exception. This exception makes me so grateful for the foundation I have in my faith and in my raising. She's been high every day since we got here, and she might already have an STD. She's eaten almost everyone's food, often without asking. When she's sober, she's sweet...but she's never sober. It just makes me think about people and their effect on others. She seems happy enough with how she's living, but she has no thought of how it affects us, and it's a strange thing to see. Personally, I'm not happy if my friends aren't, and I hate thinking I've caused anyone to be uncomfortable or unhappy. Meeting such a different personality at such close quarters is...almost unsettling, without being really uncomfortable.

Musings

Wow...It's been roughly two months (happy, Carlo? ;b). A lot can happen in that time span, apparently, both good and bad. Bad first...

I'm sick of working at Home Depot. They used to have at least two people outside at all times. Now, it's usually one (me) alone -all day-. It's a long day. Hard, too. It's hot and sunny, and people are mean. And, it's crazy busy. So, I get two or three calls. At once. While I'm trying to clean up the lot. Blegh.

Now...good.

I'm going to stop working at Home Depot on the 19th (which is in nine days...three of which I'm free). I'll have time to go shopping for glasses, buy more dorm stuff, get a checking account, get vaccines, pack, get a computer, etc. I'm pretty much the only one who's saying "we still have blah blah to do and NO TIME." My mom's still in the "you have 21 days" mode, which will turn into "you've got a weekend." Love her, but she drives me crazy.

I've finally reached a good point with myself. Earlier this summer, when I'd just gotten out of a relationship, I realized that I depended too much on men to...feel good about me. I figured, if they loved me, why should I have to. Once I was single again, though, I realized how miserable it made me. So I decided I was sick of it. It was going to change. End of story. And it has. I can believe now that I deserve to be pretty and comfortable and happy. And I am. I'm pretty damn comfortable with myself (body, mind, and spirit). I'm happier (in general) than I can ever remember being in a VERY long time, and it feels great. I can't believe I ever settled for less, and I'm determined not to go back. I love me, and I'm comfortable with me. I'm not perfect. SO WHAT!!! *grins*