Thinking...again...

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my Oma's death, and today is the 5th anniversary of a new close friend's mother's death, as well as his brother's birthday. Funny how dates work out, eh? These anniversaries are rough for all of us, but they change with time. I almost want to go home this weekend. I'm hoping to have a chance to drive out to visit my Grandpa's grave. It'll be the first time I've gone alone. Ever. I miss him, and I miss my Oma, and Mr. Rodgers, and my baby boy. But I know they're still with me, even though I can't see them or feel them, and I know I'll see them again some day. And in the face of eternity, life is but the shadow of a memory of a dream.

Thinking...

Monday was the eighth anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I realized a few days before and I realized again last night. I got so caught up in my life this past week, the date just slipped right past me. I still miss him so much. I thought about it a lot last night after the show. Cried a lot, too, but not in a bad way. I've gotten to a point where I know myself and I understand my emotions well enough that I can be sad, but not in a bad way. I can hurt, but it's...good, in a way. I'm just really thankful that I can feel the sadness and the longing to the depth that I do feel it. I can feel it and acknowledge it and know it...and then move on from it. I can linger in it and consider it and immerse myself in it. Then, I dry my eyes and go on with my night. And that's the way it should be, I think. Emotions should be felt to their depth and their breadth, but once you're finished feeling them, you need to be able to keep going. If you allow your sadness or anger interfere with your life, you'll never learn to be happy.

Winter Term

Let me just start this out by saying that people were right when they told me "Winter Term's INTENSE!" It is. We got to school, and classes started the next day, January 3rd. I'm assistant stage managing a show, so 3-4 hours of my night goes there. Sometimes I don't eat from lunch - 11 or 12. Last night I was shaking and my legs were weak by the time I ate. Joy. I have two science classes (which means two lectures and two labs), along with a music class (musicology, kind of...). Those three mean a lot of out-of-class preparation and group work...and checking on labs. ASMing takes a lot of time, too. Then, there's choir, which ALSO takes a lot of time. And AWAG, which takes my Saturdays, and eight hours of work-study/week. So much for free time. And I have to work in yoga/working out/relaxing/ballroom? Umm...EEK!

After that mini-freakout, I have to say, I can do this. I'll probably never do this kind of combination ever again, but...there's a first time for everything, right? I can make it through this. AND get good grades. Just watch. I can do this.

New Years

As it's New Year's Eve, I figured I'd take advantage of having a blog. For once, I'm going to write down my resolutions, so I can look back at them and see if I've managed.

1: Swear less, and use the Lord's name in vain much less.
2: Take better care of myself - eat better, lose weight, exercise more, etc. I don't want to see that as a resolution ever again.

I'm gonna jump on a bandwagon with a 40-question thing stolen from LJ. Thought it was interesting...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I went to college. I lived with 9 other girls and used an ATM and got a debit card. I got lost. I drove an hour away and danced with strange people.

2. Ddi you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I think I did? I don't really remember, so I've got two more for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My baby. My cat Nosie. He was about 14, and I'm still trying to get used to living without him.

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

A boyfriend who lives nearby. A new Creative might be nice, one with a bigger screen.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

September 1 I went to college. In February my cat died, and I will never forget him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating high school and going to the college of my dreams. Becoming comfortable with myself and my body (as they are) for the first time in my memory.

9. What was your biggest failure?

*considers* Maybe gaining 10 pounds at school...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing huge, yay! Just my annual illness, but that's it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A Bartlett's, yay!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My Will really helped me out in the spring, as I was really upset and uncomfortable with myself. Greg also made me pretty happy by telling a friend of mine that he thinks of me as a sister. Dan, for finally getting over me and figuring out how to finally become happy again.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

24-year-old creep at work, who knew I'm 18 and still tried to make out with me. Chicken, for telling my Will that she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she was on meds.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books, school, food, gifts.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Going to college and seeing Phantom. Sweeney Todd and Golden Compass movies, which were amazing! Spring Awakening!!!!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?

Spring Awakening. Anything, especially the angry/sad songs.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a)Happier or sadder? Happier, for the first time in years!!!
b) Skinner or fatter? Fatter, but that'll change soon.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer! Yay for jobs, even the ones that SUCK!!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Going out with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing over grades and vet school.

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Yes, I did. I love you, Donald!

21. How many one-night stands?

Yeah, right.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Heroes, House, Monk, Psych, American Princess, Will & Grace.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I like some people more that I hated last year. Go me!

24. What was the best book you read?

Everything but Malcolm X.

25. What was you greatest musical discovery?

Spring Awakening and New Squids on the Dock. Also, Keith's radio show! Yay internet!!!

26. What did you want and get?

A fantastic roommate and amazing college friends!!!

27. What did you want and not get?

Nothing really. I'd have liked more music/books, but I can always use more of them.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Sweeney Todd and Golden Compass. National Treasure 2 was also fantastic. Can't wait to see Atonement and August Rush. Also looking forward to Water Horse.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 18, and I had family and my boyfriend over. It was great, even if it wasn't anything special.

30. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Straight A's and losing weight?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Jeans, T-shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts. It changed drastically from senior year to freshman year. In a good way

32. What kept you sane?

Angry music, choir, amazing friends, Footle's hugs, David's hugs, Sam, C3PO, and chocolate. And Donald, of course, and my bigsis. And my Will.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Daniel Radcliffe. He's still hot, haha. And the usual Johnny Depp (incredibly hot Sweeney) and Hugh Jackman.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Animal rights. Universal healthcare. Global warming.

35. Who did you miss?

My family. My boyfriends, at different times. My friends. My babies.

36. Who were the best new people you met?

My suite, especially Alix and Caitlin, C3PO, ROSIE!!!, Sam, Lavinia, Ben, Zach, Laura Lane.
37. What do you look forward to in 2008?

Going to Spain with the choir (SQUEE!!!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007?

It will turn out for the best. Love yourself, no matter what. You can't rely on others to love you.

39. What song lyrics best sum up 2007 for you?

"There's a moment you know...you're f*cked!" "Don't do sadness" "You're f*cked if you just freeze up! Can't do that thing, that keeping still. You're f*cked if you speak your mind, and you know, uh-huh, you will!" "Because we all deserve to die!" "My cage has many rooms, damask and dark. Nothing there sings, not even my lark...If I cannot fly, let me sing!"

Equality

Wow. Haven't posted in a while. Anyway, I was thinking on my way home from Wildwood today, and I want to put it out there, at the risk of sounding like a horrible person. We keep hearing so much about "equality". How blacks/women/minorities don't have it yet. We've got Title IX, affirmative action, every plan under the sun to relieve the problem. But we still haven't fixed it. Maybe that's because, instead of treating everyone like they're equal, we treat certain people like they're victims. I think the solution to finding equality is to live it and think it and feel it. Stop feeling victimized, stop tabooing certain words or phrases, and just be equal. If equality becomes a non-issue, will it become a reality?

Let be

So, this week has been ueber-stressful...mentally, at least. I found myself falling for someone out of the blue, then having to deny myself him. Damn.

In all the stress and chaos and ridiculousness, I've taken a few minutes twice to have a quiet time and resolved to do that way more often. Sometimes, it's amazing to just take a few minutes to listen. Not to talk, but to listen. I use quiet times to spend time with God, quiet and listening. Open to whatever He has to say. When I go into a quiet time with a full mind and heart, with so many thoughts clamoring to be heard and thought, it may take a while to quiet myself enough to get into it, but once I do...the world disappears. Sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for half an hour. When I get pulled out of it, it's by a random background noise that had previously disappeared. Coming out of a quiet time, my mind is so much more at peace, and I find it much easier to concentrate on work.

"If it be now, 'tis not to come;
If it be not now, yet it will come; the readiness is all.
Since no man knows aught of what he leaves,
What is't to leave betimes?
Let be." (Hamlet, V.ii.)

Home

The first week or so I was at school, I started to hear about IVCF (Intervarsity Christian Fellowhip). As someone who'd been craving a good youth group and a deeper connection to my religion and my God, I was really interested. I missed the first Large Group meeting and the retreat for a few reasons. I also missed a few weeks of small group, because I didn't know where to go. When I finally got together with my friends and went to small group, I enjoyed it immensely. It was the first time in years I've felt able to truly delve into a text from the Bible, at least with other people. The first time in years I've been able to delve deep into the Word with people my age. It was great. I also was able to make it to Large Group on Friday, and as I worshipped with other first years and students, I realized...I'm home. I've found a place where I can belong and be welcomed.

That's how I've felt about this whole school. Granted, some parts of it aren't perfect. No school is. But in spite of the shortcomings and potential improvements...I belong here. I'm at home and at peace here. I feel like I'm finally somewhere with true peers, somewhere I'm not judged. And it feels good. "Let peace flow like a river..." It is.