Last night...

...history was made. Obama is our president-elect. Wow. A good half of my campus swarmed across campus, then through town, screaming and cheering the entire way. We congregated in the center of town and sang the national anthem. Once we got back to campus, an impromptu jazz concert was underway, and even more dancing and screaming and cheering and chanting and crying ensued. It was magical and amazing. I didn't cry last night, but I've gotten a bit teary remembering last night and the overwhelming energy and joy that flooded our campus. Here's to change!

P.S: Really, California? Y'all had to pass Prop. 8?

Election Day

It's been quite a while, eh? Not too much has happened, but this...tomorrow's Election Day. Now, I'll say it in all caps because it's important. GO VOTE!!! DO IT!!! It's important, even if you just vote for a third party candidate, VOTE. So what if you hate McCain AND Obama. Vote Green Party or a third party or write someone in! Just VOTE! No matter what happens, this is a historical election. Be a part of it, so when you have grandkids, you can tell them that you voted for the first black president of the United States, or you voted against the first black presidential candidate. Or you voted for someone completely different. Don't just be a spectator. Be a part of making history. It could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance. If Obama wins, there will never be another first black president. If McCain wins, there will never be another first black presidential candidate. This is huge, and exciting. Get caught up in the fever, and vote.

...Another chance...?

Does it happen again? Do you...Can you fall in love again? He was the first guy I ever loved. I spent two and a half years with him. Nick says it's taken him two and a half years to get past his. I miss it, not him. But I could almost go back to him. He wants another chance. Another chance at what? Do I want to give him another chance? Can I give him another chance?

I know this post makes no sense. I'm sorry. It's been a long night. It's been almost a year since I talked to him. Almost a year and a half since we broke up, and I still haven't found anything like it. Can I move on, having him in my life? Does it make me weaker than I was a year ago? That I felt then that I could move on, and now I wonder if I could? Could I move on if I had him back in my life? Do I want him back in my life? That's the main question. No matter how many times you go back, it's still the same person, the same situation. No matter how many times you go back, it's not going to change. It just won't. I can't deal with that. Not yet. I'm not strong enough yet or over it enough yet. Not yet.

***Edit***
Forget all that. He is no longer a part of my life. We've both known it since before we broke up, but I'm finally saying it. He is in the past. I'm starting this year afresh. I'm tired of being a pessimist. So what if it's half-empty? The glass still has water in it! So, I'm ready again to just take every moment and every day as it comes. I'll do my best, and I WILL be happy. It's going to be a good year. I'm ready.

P.S.: I hereby swear to stop being frustrated if a guy doesn't immediately pan out. Patience is key. Besides, there's one who's kind of starting to look good. It's going to be an amazing year.

Captivate...

...(v) to influence or dominate by some special charm, art, or trait and with an irresistible appeal [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/captivation]

Last night, a good friend and I were talking about our respective boy troubles. Hers with a guy giving her mixed signals, mine with a guy trying to play me (Both VERY abridged versions of the stories). From this topic, we diverted to cute guys at Willowbrook, an incredibly common topic for us. Lot of fun. After I mentioned a few guys who had caught my eye, she said, "I wish I could find you a guy. I want to see you happy." That worried me, primarily because I have found completion and happiness within myself, not needing to rely on other people. I hope (and hoped) that I don't seem unhappy while being single.

Then she continued with something that really caught my mind: "I wonder who will captivate you." It was an intriguing word choice, because that's what you look for in someone you love: someone to captivate you, not just interest you or catch your eye. I realized that I wonder the same thing. I've been interested and in like and deeply in like, but it's been a long time since I was captivated. I've all but forgotten what it's like to go to sleep and wake up every morning looking forward to one moment (or many moments) with one person. Who will captivate me?

Forced Optimism

I used to feel like luck determined your life, essentially. Recently, optimism and the trust that God IS actually looking out for me seemed kind of far away. I felt like something big would have to go my way for me to see that, and that's a problem. When you get to a mindset where "things happen to other people," you get stuck there. When you start to believe that boyfriends or scholarships or jobs or whatever don't happen to you...they don't. In the same way that life is what you make of it, success is what you make of it, luck is what you make of it. I need to get back to a place where I can honestly trust and believe that God does have my back. I know He's there in the hard times, but I sometimes have trouble grasping that He's even there during the just frustrating times.

Unplanned, but Wonderful

Last night, a friend had a campfire in her backyard. By the time everyone came, there were four girls and one guy (my friend's...unofficial boyfriend?!?). We spent most of the night listening to music and just talking about random things, like how drunk certain people (not me) were the night before. After one girl left, we somehow got onto the topic of the elections. We talked a bit about parties, about specific candidates, that kind of thing. Eventually we started talking about issues. We discussed immigration, gun control, the environment, the economy, education, nearly everything. It was completely random, but really refreshing. I'd forgotten how good it is to have a nice, intellectual discussion. Some politicians discount us as a demographic, because, historically, we don't vote. This election is changing that, though. Our generation is becoming informed and politically conscientious. It's a wonderful thing to see, because, in all honesty, we're going to be running this country in 20 or 30 years, not our parents. Why shouldn't we care about shaping it up before we get there?

Discouraged

You know, I've tried so hard to always have hope. Always. Even when everything's going wrong, I've tried to be sure that there's some good hiding there. Lately, my grasp on hope has begun to slip. I've begun to view my future in terms of questions, rather than statements. It's become an "if" future, instead of a "when". I know it's bad and wrong and really not helpful, but...it's just started to seem like things happen to other people. Good things happen to other people. Not that bad things happen to me or something. The opposite actually. Things happen to other people, and they progress. I just...sit there. I don't change, I don't progress, I just stagnate. I hate stagnation. With a passion. Even if I'm moving backwards, at least I'm moving. It's just started to feel like everything I do is futile. If I look pretty, not like anyone's going to notice. If I apply for a job, not like anyone's going to hire me. If I do well, not like it will be recognized. I don't understand it. And I really don't like it. But I can't figure out a way to make it go away. 'Til I do, guess I'll just be stagnant and unemployed. Joy.